god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Less talking, more tequila
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
