I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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