I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
