Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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