We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
