LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
