i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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