There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
