hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
