happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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