the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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