by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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