Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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