Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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