Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They took my balls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
