I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
