On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
