I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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