Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
