when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
