I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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