dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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