Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
