What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
