I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
