Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
