oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
