Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
