Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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