Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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