It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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