I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
