there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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