She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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