I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
