I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
