if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
