Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
