I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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