Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
