what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
