good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
