Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
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I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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