new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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