my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
