Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
