I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
