Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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