My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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