I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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