My underwear smells like fireworks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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