If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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