Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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