god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Two words: nipple clamps
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